Alternative Premier League Team of the Year 2011-12

I thought I’d try to come up with one of these before you’re inundated with them. You know the drill – one player per team, Scott Parker as captain, unfunny just-invented nicknames – the usual. Oh, and I’ve decided to go with the 3-5-1-1 formation that Wigan used against Man Utd. Because I can.

Goalkeeper: Michel Vorm – Swansea City

As a newly promoted team you don’t need your goalkeeper to perform better than most in the league (see R. Carroll, West Ham United 2005-06), but it certainly helps. With Supervorm behind them an already stingy defence got even stingier and at least 20% cooler. They may have got more lax in recent weeks but the Dutchman has already got thousands wondering how no one noticed him before, and not just in an Alan Shearer not noticing Hatem Ben Arfa kind of way.

Centre-back: Martin Skrtel – Liverpool

A brick shithouse in the Marco Materazzi mould, Teenage Mutant Ninja Skrtel has defied vowels and logic to emerge as the stand-out performer in an otherwise hilarious Liverpool season. Both by chipping in with important goals and by scaring the living shit out of team-mates and opponents alike, the Slovakian has forced Kenny Dalglish’s side to work harder than ever before to embarrass themselves.

Centre-back: Vincent Kompany – Manchester City

Dominant in the air, classy on the ground, possessor of a wonderfully spherical head – Vincent Kompany has it all. Based on Richard Ashcroft’s performances in his absence, it seems safe to say Manchester City’s title challenge would have already fizzled out long enough ago to make ‘The most important match in the history of everything’ (© Sky Sports) irrelevant. A dead cert for the captaincy if I didn’t worship at the altar of Scott Parker.

Centre-back: Jonny ‘fucking’ Evans – Manchester United

Convinced that his comedy value was running dry, and living in fear of a transfer to Steve Bruce’s Sunderland (where Manchester United players go to die), Evans has been good this season. Really good. Many feared the worst when the extent of Nemanja Vidic’s injury was revealed, but the man from Northern Ireland has – along with the paucity of much of the Premier League – helped put Manchester United in prime position to stumble over the finish line.

Right midfield: James James Morrison Morrison (West Bromwich Albion)

A.A. Milne’s favourite footballer has spent much of his career flattering to deceive, even living in the shadow of Stewart Downing for a brief period of time (somewhere I’m sure you’ll agree no one wants to be). However this year he’s done more than just shoot from impossible positions and hilariously kick the shit out of Cristiano Ronaldo. A six-point-five-out-of-ten footballer in a six-out-of-ten Albion side, his inclusion goes to show what a terrible season this has been.

Central midfield: Scott Parker (Tottenham Hotspur) – captain

Guaranteed his spot in the team by haircut alone, the kid from those McDonalds World Cup adverts has made the step up from mediocrity to a top four challenging side with ease, proving that it wasn’t just the media’s West Ham bias that earned him plaudits last season despite playing in one of the worst midfields in the history of football. He’s still doing those poncey little turns, but we can forgive him for that. Plus, according to some, he’s a war hero.

Central midfield: Lee Cattermole (Sunderland)

The immature child who could never learn has finally learned, and it only took several painful years (you know, apart from that whole vandalism thing – that was probably Bendtner’s idea though*). After spending the early part of the season hacking and scowling like a drop-kicked puppy, the king of high shorts has turned into the commanding midfielder Alex Smith always said he could be. When you bear in mind he’s still only 24 there’s still time for us to look back at the young eejit and laugh.

* or not, whichever stops me getting sued

Central midfield: Yohan Cabaye (Newcastle United)

Last season Yohan Cabaye won Ligue 1 with Lille while Joey Barton and Kevin Nolan finished mid-table in the Premier League. Hindsight is one thing, but the Frenchman was quite clearly a better footballer than those two anyway, the only mystery being why the fuck he chose Newcastle. A few more defense-splitting passes and long-range stunners and Geordies might start naming their kids after him like in Purely Belter.

Left midfield: Anthony Pilkington (Norwich City)

At first glance Pilkington comes across as a luxury player that an all-hands-on-deck promoted club can’t afford to have in their team, but far from just being a ‘Match of the Day player’ the youngster has pulled his weight for a manager who seems to know how to get the best out of him. Unfortunately I don’t know enough about him to justify any sort of witty or snide comment, so this is all you’re getting. Be grateful.

In the hole: Clint Dempsey (Fulham)

Deuce has scored 22 goals this season for Fulham. 22. For Fulham. Not bad for a player who shares his nickname with a bodily function (yes, it’s a poo joke – don’t worry we’re nearly at the end). This season under Martin Jol Fulham have been a delight to watch, and not even in a patronising way, and Dempsey has been a big part of that in allowing the surly Dutchman to play more wingers than should be reasonably possible.

Striker: Robin van Persie (Arsenal)

The best player in the league this season, his feats are made even more impressive by the fact that Arsenal’s performances for much of the season have been at best embarrassing and at worst Wolves-esque. Providing Holland get out of a disgustingly tough group, the prospect of facing them in Euro 2012 looks absolutely terrifying.

Substitutes:

Petr Cech (Chelsea) – Plastic club: check, Plastic fans: check, Plastic flags: check, Plastic head: Cech. Back to near his best since that incident with Stephen H*nt.

Sam Ricketts (Bolton Wanderers) – Purely here by virtue of not being Paul Robinson, which is surely enough. Also managed to amaze even himself by borrowing Philipp Lahm’s body for 45 minutes against Wolves.

James McCarthy (Wigan Athletic) – So good he cloned himself without anyone noticing, the Scottish Irishman has proved that ‘Hamilton’s finest’ doesn’t always count as damning with faint praise.

Alejandro Faurlin (Queens Park Rangers) – He might only move in slow motion, but the Argentine’s injury will likely send QPR down. It’s already forced us to look at Shaun Derry more than anyone would want.

Steven Fletcher (Wolves) – Proving why he was once a target for Real Madrid (not really – no one can explain that), he has hit double figures in back-to-back seasons in one of the least inspiring teams of the last decade. Which is more than enough for inclusion here.

Yakubu (Blackburn Rovers) – Feed the Yak and he will eat. Ever wondered what happened to Myles Anderson? All I’m saying is Yakubu’s packed lunch comes in a different box to that of everyone else.

Nikica Jelavic (Everton) – Part young Robin Williams, part Stilyan Petrov’s evil twin, not good enough for the Championship and unnaturally good for Everton to the point that the fans are waiting to find out what the catch is.

Premier League Round-Up 06/12/10

With Manchester United’s game against Blackpool falling foul of the weather, this weekend saw only nine Premier League matches.

Arsenal took full advantage of their rivals’ week off, but only just. Samir Nasri was the main difference between Arsene Wenger’s side and visiting Fulham, with two goals from the Frenchman earning the Gunners a narrow 2-1 victory.

In normal circumstances Wenger might be concerned by his side struggling at home to a team without a win on the road since the opening day of last season.

However the depleted nature of his squad and their recent shaky form at the Emirates Stadium he will surely be more relieved at the North Londoners getting their season back on track.

Chelsea missed the chance to return to the summit after dropping yet more points at home in a 1-1 draw with Everton.

Owner Roman Abramovich may be regretting his decision not to provide Carlo Ancelotti with funds to replace the departed midfield trio of Cole, Ballack and Deco, as a stretched Blues outfit failed to contain their visitors.

In the last six games Chelsea have only amassed five points, one more than Saturday’s opponents who are also heading in the wrong direction.

With no one in particular staking a claim for this season’s title, we might yet see Manchester  City creep up on their rivals and surprise everyone.

Roberto Mancini’s side are only three points behind the league leaders after outclassing Bolton at Eastlands, and at times a 5-0 victory – rather than the 1-0 they actually achieved – did not seem beyond the realms of possibility.

It was one of the few occasions this season where Owen Coyle’s Bolton have been neutralised, and the return of midfield dynamo Stuart Holden next week will not be a minute too soon.

West Brom continue to confound those who tipped them for relegation at the start of the season, cruising to a 3-1 win over a Newcastle side which sorely missed the presence of Joey Barton and Kevin Nolan in the middle.

Still the result, which came courtesy of two composed finishes from Peter Odemwingie, will ultimately be remembered as Chris Hughton’s last as Newcastle manager.

It is difficult to justify Mike Ashley sacking the Magpies boss, and there is a sense among fans that the chairman was waiting for a bad run to use as an excuse for what remains a controversial decision.

Defeat for Newcastle saw them leapfrogged by Blackburn, who had keeper Paul Robinson to thank for a flattering win over lowly Wolves.

The former England number one kept out the visitors on numerous occasions and Blackburn took their chances well to run out victors by three goals.

They are still looking up at Sunderland, though, after Steve Bruce’s men kept up their unbeaten home record with a narrow victory over bottom-of-the-table West Ham.

Jordan Henderson’s goal proved the difference in a game which never really took off despite the hosts starting with three up front and the visitors ending the match with four strikers on the pitch.

Elsewhere, Wigan and Stoke played out an entertaining encounter which was high on goals but low on quality.

Three of the four goals in the 2-2 draw came courtesy of deflections, while Latics midfielder Hendry Thomas showed why he is more at home in the Makelele role with one of the misses of the season.

Saturday’s remaining game saw Tottenham held by draw specialists Birmingham thanks to a headed goal from surprise top-scorer Craig Gardner.

Spurs will be disappointed to only emerge with a point after wins in their last four outings, but they only have themselves to blame after some lax defending allowed their opponents to level the scores late on.

Team of the week (4-2-3-1)

Robinson (Blackburn); Tomkins (West Ham), Kompany (Man City), Nelsen (Blackburn), Baines (Everton); Yaya Toure (Man City), Tchoyi (West Brom); Lennon (Tottenham), Nasri (Arsenal), Silva (Man City), Odemwingie (West Brom)

Premier League Round-Up 18/10/10

This week we had to wait until Sunday for the pick of the games, with Manchester City’s 3-2 win at Blackpool one of the early highlights of an at-times-underwhelming season.

The game was already exciting enough by the time a seemingly-offside Carlos Tevez flicked past Matt Gilks in the ‘Pool goal, but after that it really began to catch fire.

Marlon Harewood glanced in an equaliser before a fortunate deflection helped Tevez get his second, and David Silva’s curler sealed the points before a late consolation from Gary Taylor-Fletcher.

Roberto Mancini will be happy with his side’s attacking intent after switching to a 4-4-2 formation, but the centre-back pairing of Vincent Kompany and Joleon Lescott looked suspect as the hosts created plenty of presentable chances.

City’s local rivals Manchester United squandered a comfortable lead for the umpteenth time this season after Javier Hernandez and Nani had put them 2-0 up at home to West Brom before half time.

Somen Tchoyi

First Chris Brunt’s free-kick went through a paper-thin wall and deflected in of Patrice Evra, and then a howler from Edwin van der Sar allowed Somen Tchoyi to grab his first goal in Baggies colours.

While the draw was the result of individual errors, the United of old would not have surrendered leads on so many occasions.

Both United and City will be thankful that Chelsea failed to extend their lead at the top, although it was not for want of trying.

Branislav Ivanovic and Nicolas Anelka both hit the woodwork as Carlo Ancelotti’s side knocked at the Aston Villa door to no avail.

At the other end the Blues were grateful for some profligacy in front of goal from Gerard Houllier’s men, with Stephen Ireland and Nigel Reo-Coker failing to test Petr Cech when given a good sight of goal.

After their recent struggles, Arsenal got back to winning ways at home to Birmingham, although the visitors made it difficult for them.

Nikola Zigic gave the Blues a first-half lead after Alex McLeish’s men rode an early Arsenal storm, although a disputed penalty – converted by Samir Nasri – brought the hosts level.

Marouane Chamakh, the man felled by Scott Dann for the penalty in question, finally made the breakthrough just after the break, and they had chances to extend their lead before a red card for Jack Wilshere meant the game ended on a sour note.

Another player who saw red late on was Bolton’s Ivan Klasnic, who followed his late winner for Bolton against Stoke with two even later bookings.

Rory Delap

Lee Chung-Yong’s classy opener was cancelled out by a rare goal from Rory Delap before Klasnic’s volley on the turn earned Bolton all three points.

Tottenham remained in touch with the top four after a contentious winner helped them see off the spirited challenge of Fulham.

Diomansy Kamara gave Fulham an early lead, but the Senegalese striker also missed a host of chances and Spurs were allowed back into the game when Roman Pavlyuchenko tapped home after Rafael van der Vaart’s deft chip came back off the bar.

Tom Huddlestone’s low 20-yard strike clinched victory for Tottenham, with Fulham claiming William Gallas was offside despite the Frenchman making no contact with the shot.

The four sides occupying the bottom four places faced off this weekend, but Everton are the only ones who can be completely happy with their afternoon’s work.

David Moyes’ men saw off a tame Liverpool side with surprisingly little resistance, Tim Cahill and Mikel Arteta with the goals in the Toffees’ most comfortable game this season.

Even with Fernando Torres, Steven Gerrard and Joe Cole in the starting line-up, Liverpool barely posed a threat in attack as they slipped to 19^th in the table.

The only side below them are West Ham, who will blame referee Mark Clattenburg for wrongly disallowing what should have been a late winner from Frederic Piquionne.

Mark Noble earlier cancelled out Matt Jarvis’ opener from the penalty spot, before Piquionne was wrongly adjudged to have handled en route to slotting past Marcus Hahnemann.

Fabricio Coloccini

Fabricio Coloccini’s first ever Premier League goal helped Newcastle come from behind to draw with Wigan, in a game where Charles N’Zogbia came back to wreak revenge on his former club.

The French winger put the Latics 2-0 up inside the first 25 minutes with a couple of well-taken goals, but Shola Ameobi bundled the ball in to give Newcastle hope with 18 minutes remaining.

Then, deep into stoppage time, Andy Carroll headed a Jonas Gutierrez goalwards and Coloccini stooped to nod past Ali Al-Habsi and level the scores.

The Monday night game between Blackburn and Sunderland was a drab affair, perhaps made even less of a spectacle by a red card for Christopher Samba right on half-time.

Blackburn’s Congolese centre-back saw red for a professional foul on Danny Welbeck, but a tired-looking Sunderland side failed to capitalise on their one-man advantage.

The best chances of the game fell to Darren Bent, rushed back after injury kept him out of England’s draw with Montenegro and still looking short of fitness.

Team of the week (4-2-3-1)

Cech (Chelsea); Coleman (Everton), Cahill (Bolton), Distin (Everton), Assou-Ekotto (Tottenham); Stilyan Petrov (Aston Villa), Barton (Newcastle) van der Vaart (Tottenham), N’Zogbia (Wigan), Holden (Bolton); Zigic (Birmingham)