Alternative Premier League Team of the Year 2011-12

I thought I’d try to come up with one of these before you’re inundated with them. You know the drill – one player per team, Scott Parker as captain, unfunny just-invented nicknames – the usual. Oh, and I’ve decided to go with the 3-5-1-1 formation that Wigan used against Man Utd. Because I can.

Goalkeeper: Michel Vorm – Swansea City

As a newly promoted team you don’t need your goalkeeper to perform better than most in the league (see R. Carroll, West Ham United 2005-06), but it certainly helps. With Supervorm behind them an already stingy defence got even stingier and at least 20% cooler. They may have got more lax in recent weeks but the Dutchman has already got thousands wondering how no one noticed him before, and not just in an Alan Shearer not noticing Hatem Ben Arfa kind of way.

Centre-back: Martin Skrtel – Liverpool

A brick shithouse in the Marco Materazzi mould, Teenage Mutant Ninja Skrtel has defied vowels and logic to emerge as the stand-out performer in an otherwise hilarious Liverpool season. Both by chipping in with important goals and by scaring the living shit out of team-mates and opponents alike, the Slovakian has forced Kenny Dalglish’s side to work harder than ever before to embarrass themselves.

Centre-back: Vincent Kompany – Manchester City

Dominant in the air, classy on the ground, possessor of a wonderfully spherical head – Vincent Kompany has it all. Based on Richard Ashcroft’s performances in his absence, it seems safe to say Manchester City’s title challenge would have already fizzled out long enough ago to make ‘The most important match in the history of everything’ (© Sky Sports) irrelevant. A dead cert for the captaincy if I didn’t worship at the altar of Scott Parker.

Centre-back: Jonny ‘fucking’ Evans – Manchester United

Convinced that his comedy value was running dry, and living in fear of a transfer to Steve Bruce’s Sunderland (where Manchester United players go to die), Evans has been good this season. Really good. Many feared the worst when the extent of Nemanja Vidic’s injury was revealed, but the man from Northern Ireland has – along with the paucity of much of the Premier League – helped put Manchester United in prime position to stumble over the finish line.

Right midfield: James James Morrison Morrison (West Bromwich Albion)

A.A. Milne’s favourite footballer has spent much of his career flattering to deceive, even living in the shadow of Stewart Downing for a brief period of time (somewhere I’m sure you’ll agree no one wants to be). However this year he’s done more than just shoot from impossible positions and hilariously kick the shit out of Cristiano Ronaldo. A six-point-five-out-of-ten footballer in a six-out-of-ten Albion side, his inclusion goes to show what a terrible season this has been.

Central midfield: Scott Parker (Tottenham Hotspur) – captain

Guaranteed his spot in the team by haircut alone, the kid from those McDonalds World Cup adverts has made the step up from mediocrity to a top four challenging side with ease, proving that it wasn’t just the media’s West Ham bias that earned him plaudits last season despite playing in one of the worst midfields in the history of football. He’s still doing those poncey little turns, but we can forgive him for that. Plus, according to some, he’s a war hero.

Central midfield: Lee Cattermole (Sunderland)

The immature child who could never learn has finally learned, and it only took several painful years (you know, apart from that whole vandalism thing – that was probably Bendtner’s idea though*). After spending the early part of the season hacking and scowling like a drop-kicked puppy, the king of high shorts has turned into the commanding midfielder Alex Smith always said he could be. When you bear in mind he’s still only 24 there’s still time for us to look back at the young eejit and laugh.

* or not, whichever stops me getting sued

Central midfield: Yohan Cabaye (Newcastle United)

Last season Yohan Cabaye won Ligue 1 with Lille while Joey Barton and Kevin Nolan finished mid-table in the Premier League. Hindsight is one thing, but the Frenchman was quite clearly a better footballer than those two anyway, the only mystery being why the fuck he chose Newcastle. A few more defense-splitting passes and long-range stunners and Geordies might start naming their kids after him like in Purely Belter.

Left midfield: Anthony Pilkington (Norwich City)

At first glance Pilkington comes across as a luxury player that an all-hands-on-deck promoted club can’t afford to have in their team, but far from just being a ‘Match of the Day player’ the youngster has pulled his weight for a manager who seems to know how to get the best out of him. Unfortunately I don’t know enough about him to justify any sort of witty or snide comment, so this is all you’re getting. Be grateful.

In the hole: Clint Dempsey (Fulham)

Deuce has scored 22 goals this season for Fulham. 22. For Fulham. Not bad for a player who shares his nickname with a bodily function (yes, it’s a poo joke – don’t worry we’re nearly at the end). This season under Martin Jol Fulham have been a delight to watch, and not even in a patronising way, and Dempsey has been a big part of that in allowing the surly Dutchman to play more wingers than should be reasonably possible.

Striker: Robin van Persie (Arsenal)

The best player in the league this season, his feats are made even more impressive by the fact that Arsenal’s performances for much of the season have been at best embarrassing and at worst Wolves-esque. Providing Holland get out of a disgustingly tough group, the prospect of facing them in Euro 2012 looks absolutely terrifying.

Substitutes:

Petr Cech (Chelsea) – Plastic club: check, Plastic fans: check, Plastic flags: check, Plastic head: Cech. Back to near his best since that incident with Stephen H*nt.

Sam Ricketts (Bolton Wanderers) – Purely here by virtue of not being Paul Robinson, which is surely enough. Also managed to amaze even himself by borrowing Philipp Lahm’s body for 45 minutes against Wolves.

James McCarthy (Wigan Athletic) – So good he cloned himself without anyone noticing, the Scottish Irishman has proved that ‘Hamilton’s finest’ doesn’t always count as damning with faint praise.

Alejandro Faurlin (Queens Park Rangers) – He might only move in slow motion, but the Argentine’s injury will likely send QPR down. It’s already forced us to look at Shaun Derry more than anyone would want.

Steven Fletcher (Wolves) – Proving why he was once a target for Real Madrid (not really – no one can explain that), he has hit double figures in back-to-back seasons in one of the least inspiring teams of the last decade. Which is more than enough for inclusion here.

Yakubu (Blackburn Rovers) – Feed the Yak and he will eat. Ever wondered what happened to Myles Anderson? All I’m saying is Yakubu’s packed lunch comes in a different box to that of everyone else.

Nikica Jelavic (Everton) – Part young Robin Williams, part Stilyan Petrov’s evil twin, not good enough for the Championship and unnaturally good for Everton to the point that the fans are waiting to find out what the catch is.

Premier League Round-up 13/09/2010

This weekend showed once again why the Premier League is so popular, with one of the most thrilling encounters of recent years being played out at Goodison Park.

Manchester United were without Wayne Rooney for the trip to Everton, but – whatever Henry Winter tells you – his absence did not lessen their capacity to win the game. Dimitar Berbatov led the line well and scored the third goal which seemingly clinched victory for Sir Alex Ferguson’s side, but Leighton Baines’ crosses caused havoc in the United box, allowing the hosts to score two injury-time goals and salvage a remarkable 3-3 draw.

Ferguson – who later saw his son’s team Preston throw away a similar lead to lose 4-3 at Burnley – must be concerned at his side’s failure to close out games, and he might begin to question the concentration of stand-in defenders Gary Neville and Jonny Evans. While the two are at opposite ends of their respective careers, they are perhaps equidistant from the pinnacle of their abilities.

Michael Essien

United’s late collapse allowed Chelsea to move four points clear at the top of the table with a comfortable 3-1 win against West Ham. Early goals from Michael Essien and Salomon Kalou meant the champions barely had to break sweat, as they sat back and allowed their hosts plenty of possession.

It is difficult to judge Chelsea’s start to the season based on the opposition they have faced so far, but you can only beat what is placed in front of you – something Manchester United have failed to do twice now.

While their rivals continue to hog the headlines, Arsenal are going about their business quietly yet effectively. The odd defensive hiccup remained in their 4-1 victory over Bolton, but Arsene Wenger’s side adjusted well to the loss of Theo Walcott and Robin van Persie.

The scoreline was harsh on a Bolton side very much in the game until the laughable dismissal of Gary Cahill, but Owen Coyle’s side needed to capitalise more on their concerted spells of possession and take the chances presented to them. If you don’t do that, Arsenal will punish you.

The ‘big three’ were joined in the top four by Blackpool, who continued their fairytale start to the season with a surprisingly-comfortable 2-0 win at Newcastle’s St James Park.

Ian Holloway’s men were reliant on goalkeeper Matt Gilks to preserve the lead given to them by Charlie Adam’s first-half penalty, before DJ Campbell sealed the win in stoppage time. Toon Army manager Chris Hughton may be regretting his decision to leave new signing Hatem ben Arfa on the bench, with the midfield trio of Nolan, Smith and Barton failing to provide the necessary creative spark.

Elsewhere Fulham saw off a spirited but indisciplined Wolves outfit at Craven Cottage, in a game which will be remembered for a distressing injury suffered by Bobby Zamora. The England man’s leg snapped under a challenge from Karl Henry, bringing back memories of former Arsenal striker Eduardo’s horrific break in January 2008.

Moussa Dembele

But unlike Arsenal on that fateful day, Fulham were spurred on to record a hard-fought win, Moussa Dembele’s double placating Mark Hughes’ misery somewhat. His opposite number Mick McCarthy, meanwhile, will be concerned that Christophe Berra’s late red card is one of three which could have realistically been awarded against his side.

Another player to see red on Saturday was Sunderland captain Lee Cattermole, who did not even last half an hour against former club Wigan. Two yellow cards in the space of five minutes brought an early end to the combative midfielder’s afternoon for the second time this season.

£13m man Asamoah Gyan still came close to securing an unlikely three points for the 10 men of Sunderland, but his well-taken volley was cancelled out by an instinctive finish from Antolin Alcaraz, who turned in Tom Cleverley’s wayward shot for his first goal in Wigan colours.

1-1 seemed to be the scoreline of the weekend, with Manchester City’s tie against Blackburn and Tottenham’s trip to West Brom both ending in the same scoreline.

City will rue defensive errors and attacking complacency, as they made a meal of coming back into the game after Joe Hart gifted the opener to Nikola Kalinic. Roberto Mancini’s men had 20 shots on goal to Blackburn’s 4, but could not find a way past a determined Rovers back-line.

Chris Brunt

And Spurs were similarly guilty of gifting a goal to their opponents, with a static defence failing to respond when Marc-Antoine Fortune’s shot looped up and spun towards the back post, allowing Chris Brunt to equalise with a rare headed goal from all of a yard out.

Sunday’s televised game was not one for the purists, with Birmingham and Liverpool playing out a dull goalless draw. The hosts had the better chances, but Pepe Reina was equal to everything thrown at him by the Blues, while at the other end an uncharacteristically-negative selection from Roy Hodgson left Fernando Torres feeding off scraps for the most part.

Team of the week (4-2-3-1)*:

Reina (Liverpool); Kaboul (Tottenham), Jones (Blackburn), Dann (Birmingham), Cole (Chelsea); Song (Arsenal), Scharner (West Brom); Arteta (Everton), Fabregas (Arsenal), Adam (Blackpool); Berbatov (Man Utd)

*Team selected ahead of Monday night game between Aston Villa and Stoke

Follow me on Twitter

Become a fan of Pele Confidential

Welcome back Premier League, we missed you

Last week I brought you a round-up of the opening weekend’s of the football league, but many fans will have seen that action as nothing more than a warm-up for the big one: the Premier League kick-off.

Almost every club has been busy in the transfer market, and supporters have been eager to see how their side’s new recruits coped with the demands of top-flight football. But it was an uncharacteristically familiar Chelsea side who took the plaudits after an exciting start to the season up and down the country.

Drogba: hat-trick

Carlo Ancelotti has only made two senior signings this summer, and with neither Ramires or Yossi Benayoun ready to start it was left to Didier Drogba and Florent Malouda to fire a warning shot to the rest of the league. Hat-trick hero Drogba looks to be on worryingly good form already, and the champions are in no danger of stumbling out of the starting blocks

But it would take more than that 6-0 demolition of West Brom to take the shine of the performance of Premier League newcomers Blackpool. The Seasiders coasted (pun intended) to victory at Wigan, with the 4-0 scoreline putting them second in the table, their inexperienced side showing no signs of stagefright.

‘Pool manager Ian Holloway has had limited success in the transfer market so far, but in French under-21 international Elliot Grandin he seems to have found a bargain. The former Marseille and CSKA Sofia youngster ripped the Wigan defence to shreds, creating the third goal for Marlon Harewood when his shot was saved, and could provide the creativity Holloway’s team will need if they are to continue surprising their opponents.

Albrighton: unplayable

Another future star of the game announced himself at Villa Park. Marc Albrighton may be called upon more frequently if James Milner moves to Manchester, but on the kind of form he showed against West Ham there are many who would argue he deserves to start ahead of the England utility man. The young winger created two goals and ran the Hammers’ full-backs ragged as he switched wings with Ashley Young over the 90 minutes.

Avram Grant’s side, like fellow bottom-three residents West Brom and Wigan, were worryingly toothless, demonstrating that an unbeaten pre-season counts for nothing. The return of Manuel da Costa and Thomas Hitzlsperger will help, but Grant may need to bring in more new faces.

Elsewhere, several goalkeepers hit the headlines, none more than Manchester City’s Joe Hart. After an accomplished if unremarkable performance at Wembley on Wednesday, Hart was a one-man barrier between Spurs and the City goal after his back four decided to take the day off. At least half a dozen top-class saves meant the score stayed 0-0, and Hart’s form may well see Shay Given decide he needs to find a new club.

That club could be Arsenal, for whom Manuel Almunia faltered once again. Beaten at his near post by David N’Gog, Almunia’s days at Arsenal must surely be numbered. With his every move under close scrutiny, the Spaniard could not afford to make any mistakes.

Reina: howler

At the opposite end of the Anfield pitch, Pepe Reina looked to be enjoying a more fruitful 90 minutes, with a world-class stop from Tomas Rosicky set to round off a stirring performance. That was until, just minutes after flapping at a cross to nearly let Theo Walcott in for a late equaliser, Reina somehow contrived to scoop the ball into his own net in the last minute of normal time.

With Rob Green and Ben Foster doing little to enhance their international prospects this weekend, Fulham’s David Stockdale staked his claim for inclusion in Fabio Capello’s next squad. Called upon as an eleventh-hour replacement for Mark Schwarzer, Stockdale denied Bolton victory with a number of impressive saves. The Trotters already look more of an attacking force under Owen Coyle than they ever did during Gary Megson’s tenure, with even Johan Elmander starting to find some form.

Cattermole: predictable

At the Stadium of Light, Lee Cattermole surprised no one by becoming the first player to be sent off this season. Failing to recognise the line between reasonable aggression and persistent fouling, the Sunderland captain picked up two yellow cards before the half-time interval. Opposite number Stephen Carr attempted to match Cattermole in the embarrassment stakes with a comical own goal, but he was ultimately bailed out by his team-mates, with two scrappy goals seeing the Blues overturn a two-goal deficit.

The remaining two games both – perhaps surprisingly – ended in home victories. Wolves eased past Stoke after scoring twice in the same game for the first time this century* while yet another goalkeeping howler (this time from Tim Howard) saw Blackburn’s Nikola Kalinic score the only goal against Everton.

Mick McCarthy’s Wolves side have made the necessary improvements to their squad this season, and know they will need to turn Molineux into a fortress if they are to prolong their stay in the top flight. And they can do far worse than look at Blackburn for inspiration, the Ewood Park side picking up 36 of their 50 points last season on home soil.

*statistic may or may not be exaggerrated for comic effect

Team of the week (4-5-1):

Hart (Man City); Onuoha (Sunderland), Samba (Blackburn), Dunne (Aston Villa), Agger (Liverpool); Albrighton (Aston Villa), Jones (Wolves), Grandin (Blackpool), Huddlestone (Tottenham), Malouda (Chelsea); Drogba (Chelsea)