Alternative Premier League Team of the Year 2011-12

I thought I’d try to come up with one of these before you’re inundated with them. You know the drill – one player per team, Scott Parker as captain, unfunny just-invented nicknames – the usual. Oh, and I’ve decided to go with the 3-5-1-1 formation that Wigan used against Man Utd. Because I can.

Goalkeeper: Michel Vorm – Swansea City

As a newly promoted team you don’t need your goalkeeper to perform better than most in the league (see R. Carroll, West Ham United 2005-06), but it certainly helps. With Supervorm behind them an already stingy defence got even stingier and at least 20% cooler. They may have got more lax in recent weeks but the Dutchman has already got thousands wondering how no one noticed him before, and not just in an Alan Shearer not noticing Hatem Ben Arfa kind of way.

Centre-back: Martin Skrtel – Liverpool

A brick shithouse in the Marco Materazzi mould, Teenage Mutant Ninja Skrtel has defied vowels and logic to emerge as the stand-out performer in an otherwise hilarious Liverpool season. Both by chipping in with important goals and by scaring the living shit out of team-mates and opponents alike, the Slovakian has forced Kenny Dalglish’s side to work harder than ever before to embarrass themselves.

Centre-back: Vincent Kompany – Manchester City

Dominant in the air, classy on the ground, possessor of a wonderfully spherical head – Vincent Kompany has it all. Based on Richard Ashcroft’s performances in his absence, it seems safe to say Manchester City’s title challenge would have already fizzled out long enough ago to make ‘The most important match in the history of everything’ (© Sky Sports) irrelevant. A dead cert for the captaincy if I didn’t worship at the altar of Scott Parker.

Centre-back: Jonny ‘fucking’ Evans – Manchester United

Convinced that his comedy value was running dry, and living in fear of a transfer to Steve Bruce’s Sunderland (where Manchester United players go to die), Evans has been good this season. Really good. Many feared the worst when the extent of Nemanja Vidic’s injury was revealed, but the man from Northern Ireland has – along with the paucity of much of the Premier League – helped put Manchester United in prime position to stumble over the finish line.

Right midfield: James James Morrison Morrison (West Bromwich Albion)

A.A. Milne’s favourite footballer has spent much of his career flattering to deceive, even living in the shadow of Stewart Downing for a brief period of time (somewhere I’m sure you’ll agree no one wants to be). However this year he’s done more than just shoot from impossible positions and hilariously kick the shit out of Cristiano Ronaldo. A six-point-five-out-of-ten footballer in a six-out-of-ten Albion side, his inclusion goes to show what a terrible season this has been.

Central midfield: Scott Parker (Tottenham Hotspur) – captain

Guaranteed his spot in the team by haircut alone, the kid from those McDonalds World Cup adverts has made the step up from mediocrity to a top four challenging side with ease, proving that it wasn’t just the media’s West Ham bias that earned him plaudits last season despite playing in one of the worst midfields in the history of football. He’s still doing those poncey little turns, but we can forgive him for that. Plus, according to some, he’s a war hero.

Central midfield: Lee Cattermole (Sunderland)

The immature child who could never learn has finally learned, and it only took several painful years (you know, apart from that whole vandalism thing – that was probably Bendtner’s idea though*). After spending the early part of the season hacking and scowling like a drop-kicked puppy, the king of high shorts has turned into the commanding midfielder Alex Smith always said he could be. When you bear in mind he’s still only 24 there’s still time for us to look back at the young eejit and laugh.

* or not, whichever stops me getting sued

Central midfield: Yohan Cabaye (Newcastle United)

Last season Yohan Cabaye won Ligue 1 with Lille while Joey Barton and Kevin Nolan finished mid-table in the Premier League. Hindsight is one thing, but the Frenchman was quite clearly a better footballer than those two anyway, the only mystery being why the fuck he chose Newcastle. A few more defense-splitting passes and long-range stunners and Geordies might start naming their kids after him like in Purely Belter.

Left midfield: Anthony Pilkington (Norwich City)

At first glance Pilkington comes across as a luxury player that an all-hands-on-deck promoted club can’t afford to have in their team, but far from just being a ‘Match of the Day player’ the youngster has pulled his weight for a manager who seems to know how to get the best out of him. Unfortunately I don’t know enough about him to justify any sort of witty or snide comment, so this is all you’re getting. Be grateful.

In the hole: Clint Dempsey (Fulham)

Deuce has scored 22 goals this season for Fulham. 22. For Fulham. Not bad for a player who shares his nickname with a bodily function (yes, it’s a poo joke – don’t worry we’re nearly at the end). This season under Martin Jol Fulham have been a delight to watch, and not even in a patronising way, and Dempsey has been a big part of that in allowing the surly Dutchman to play more wingers than should be reasonably possible.

Striker: Robin van Persie (Arsenal)

The best player in the league this season, his feats are made even more impressive by the fact that Arsenal’s performances for much of the season have been at best embarrassing and at worst Wolves-esque. Providing Holland get out of a disgustingly tough group, the prospect of facing them in Euro 2012 looks absolutely terrifying.

Substitutes:

Petr Cech (Chelsea) – Plastic club: check, Plastic fans: check, Plastic flags: check, Plastic head: Cech. Back to near his best since that incident with Stephen H*nt.

Sam Ricketts (Bolton Wanderers) – Purely here by virtue of not being Paul Robinson, which is surely enough. Also managed to amaze even himself by borrowing Philipp Lahm’s body for 45 minutes against Wolves.

James McCarthy (Wigan Athletic) – So good he cloned himself without anyone noticing, the Scottish Irishman has proved that ‘Hamilton’s finest’ doesn’t always count as damning with faint praise.

Alejandro Faurlin (Queens Park Rangers) – He might only move in slow motion, but the Argentine’s injury will likely send QPR down. It’s already forced us to look at Shaun Derry more than anyone would want.

Steven Fletcher (Wolves) – Proving why he was once a target for Real Madrid (not really – no one can explain that), he has hit double figures in back-to-back seasons in one of the least inspiring teams of the last decade. Which is more than enough for inclusion here.

Yakubu (Blackburn Rovers) – Feed the Yak and he will eat. Ever wondered what happened to Myles Anderson? All I’m saying is Yakubu’s packed lunch comes in a different box to that of everyone else.

Nikica Jelavic (Everton) – Part young Robin Williams, part Stilyan Petrov’s evil twin, not good enough for the Championship and unnaturally good for Everton to the point that the fans are waiting to find out what the catch is.

Premier League Round-Up 02/11/10

It has reached that point in the season when the Premier League table starts to take shape, with those teams at the top eking out hard-fought victories over those at the bottom.

Nowhere was this more true than at Ewood Park, where Chelsea came from behind to snatch a 2-1 win through a late header from Branislav Ivanovic.

In the same fixture last season, Carlo Ancelotti’s side limped to an unconvincing 1-1 draw – seen then as a sign of their title aspirations fading – and the three points earned on Saturdaywill represent a huge morale boost for a team whose flying start to the campaign has been long forgotten.

The key to any title contender’s season is the way they perform without their best players. While Frank Lampard’s absence has triggered a slight downturn in form, the Blues have responding well to September’s defeat at Manchester City with three wins from four league games.

Alex Song

Arsenal also left it late to grab all three points at home to West Ham, in a game which was beginning to look very reminiscent of Arsene Wenger’s first league defeat at the Emirates Stadium three-and-a-half years ago.

Some resolute defending and an inspired performance from Rob Green almost earned West Ham their first away shut-out of the season, but Alex Song popped up to turn in a pinpoint Gael Clichy delivery two minutes from time.

These are not the games which will determine West Ham’s survival, but they are the games which will shape Arsenal’s title challenge, and Song’s winner could prove crucial in terms of momentum.

Manchester United remain third after seeing off the surprisingly-weak challenge of Tottenham at Old Trafford, although the clinching goal will be talked about for some time.

Mark Clattenburg has previous with Spurs, of course, but that in itself would have been no reason for him to disallow Nani’s effort. He simply made a hash of the initial decision and seemed almost afraid to admit the original error, even if in retrospect it seems like the only logical course of action.

At least Harry Redknapp can use that flashpoint to avoid a bigger problem – the complete lack of a cutting edge in the absence of Spurs’ attacking triumvirate of Crouch, Defoe and van der Vaart.

Manchester City have clung onto fourth spot despite slipping to a 2-1 defeat at an impressive Wolves side far removed from the negativity of last season.

Nenad Milijas

Nenad Milijas and Dave Edwards scored the goals after Emmanuel Adebayor had given City the lead from the penalty spot, but the hosts had plenty of other chances to score and could have really embarrassed their opponents had they been more clinical.

There has been talk this week of Antonio Cassano moving to City after his shock release by Sampdoria, but Roberto Mancini should be looking at solidifying his back four rather than bringing in another forward.

West Bromwich Albion missed the chance to leapfrog Mancini’s side on Monday night, giving themselves a mountain to climb by going down to nine men within half an hour against Blackpool.

As harsh as Pablo Ibanez’s 9th-minute dismissal was, Gonzalo Jara can have no excuses after leaping two-footed into a challenge with Luke Varney, and that should have been that.

But after Varney added to Charlie Adam’s early penalty, Blackpool almost let the visitors snatch an unlikely point. Youssuf Mulumbu’s sweet strike halved the deficit, and the game might have ended 2-2 had a late, late chance fallen to anyone but Steven Reid, but the Irishman failed to add to his 6 goals in over 100 Premier League games.

Newcastle are now a mere point behind the side they beat to the Championship title last season, courtesy of a crushing 5-1 victory over Sunderland in the Tyne-Wear derby.

After conceding only seven goals in their nine previous games, Steve Bruce could be forgiven for thinking his defence was doing a reasonable job, but the Black Cats’ back-line was conspicuous in its absence as Shola Ameobi netted twice and Kevin Nolan fired home his first Premier League hat-trick in more than 10 years of asking.

Steve Brucs

Everton continued their good form of late with a 1-0 win against Stoke, Yakubu scoring the only goal when he reacted quickest after Tim Cahill struck the post.

It was a timely strike for the forward, who has struggled for goals after a poor World Cup with Nigeria, but another shot-shy frontman felt he should also have put his name on the scoresheet.

Stoke’s Turkish frontman Tuncay found the net again one week after his stunner against Manchester United, but referee Lee Probert harshly ruled it out for a push.

The defeat at Goodison Park left Stoke 16th, two points behind Fulham after the Cottagers cruised to a 2-0 win against a lacklustre Wigan outfit.

Clint Dempsey scored both goals for the hosts, doubling his tally for the season, as Fulham opened up a gap between themselves and the bottom three.

They are one of five teams currently on 12 points, and Liverpool joined that group with a scrappy 1-0 win at Bolton’s Reebok Stadium.

Maxi Rodriguez

Maxi Rodriguez scored the only goal of the game to ease some of the pressure on Reds boss Roy Hodgson, but it will take more than the odd 1-0 win for him to win over the Anfield faithful.

The final game of the weekend was a surprisingly-tame second-city derby between Birmingham and Aston Villa.

An uneventful goalless draw hardly provided the best advert for the upcoming Carling Cup quarter-final between the two sides, with the stop-start nature of the game ensuring neither side could get a real rhythm going. Maybe the cup tie will be different.

Team of the week (4-2-3-1)

Green (West Ham); Ivanovic (Chelsea), Hughes (Fulham) Stearman (Wolves), Salcido (Fulham); Heitinga (Everton), Clark (Aston Villa); Nolan (Newcastle), Edwards (Wolves), Dempsey (Fulham); Benjani (Blackburn)

Premier League Round-Up 04/10/10

If fans were surprised by the top of the Premier League table in recent weeks, that is nothing compared to the sight of Liverpool in the bottom three after seven games of the season.

Roy Hodgson’s side lost their unbeaten home record to newly-promoted Blackpool thanks to goals from Charlie Adam and Luke Varney, and will also be without frontman Fernando Torres for some time after the Spaniard was forced off through injury.

Charlie Adam

The visitors were deserving of the victory, and are more than holding their own in the top flight after being tipped for relegation at the start of the campaign. A consolation from Sotirios Kyrgiakos was not enough to dampen their spirits and now it is Hodgson – rather than opposite number Ian Holloway – who is left with plenty of thinking to do.

To add insult to injury, local rivals Everton climbed out of the drop-zone with their first win of the season at the hands of Birmingham City.

Tim Cahill sealed the victory after a Roger Johnson own goal had given the Toffees the lead, and the result brings an end to Birmingham’s 18-game unbeaten home run in the league.

The other two spaces in the bottom three are filled by Wolves – who lost 2-0 at Wigan – and West Ham, who were held at home by Fulham.

Wolves were given an upward task as soon as captain Karl Henry saw red for an indefensible foul on Jordi Gomez which was so bad it even left Mick McCarthy unable to defend his player.

Karl Henry

Gomez recovered to open the scoring with a 65^th-minute free-kick, before Hugo Rodallega deflected a Christophe Berra clearance beyond Marcus Hahnemann with five minutes to go.

West Ham had to come from behind to extend their unbeaten run, after Clint Dempsey was left unmarked 10 yards out to open the scoring before half-time.

Frederic Piquionne scored his third goal in as many games to level the scores, but the game lost all sense of rhythm thanks to a questionable performance from whistle-happy referee Andre Marriner.

At the top of the table, Chelsea extended their lead to four points after seeing off a wasteful Arsenal side at Stamford Bridge.

Didier Drogba and Alex got the goals with fine finishes, but the visitors will live to regret their profligacy in front of goal, with Laurent Koscielny the main culprit.

Second place is now occupied by Manchester City after Adam Johnson’s winner earned them a third successive league win.

Adam Johnson

But the game will be remembered for the broken leg suffered by Newcastle’s Hatem ben Arfa, just the latest in a worryingly-long line of Premier League players to suffer serious injuries in the season’s early weeks.

Carlos Tevez’s penalty and Jonas Gutierrez’s equaliser are mere footnotes in a match which reignited debates about dangerous tackling in the top flight.

City’s rise to 2^nd is at the expense of Manchester rivals United, who have now drawn all four of their away games in the league.

Their game at Sunderland was one of few chances, and those which did come fell to the hosts. Steed Malbranque fired the best opening straight at Edwin van der Sar, while Bolo Zenden struck the outside of his fellow countryman’s post.

Another Dutchman hitting the headlines was Rafael van der Vaart, who scored both goals as Tottenham came from behind to beat Aston Villa.

Marc Albrighton had opened the scoring for Gerard Houllier’s men before van der Vaart capitalised on two Peter Crouch knockdowns to beat Brad Friedel either side of the break.

Hot on Tottenham’s heels are surprise package West Brom, who followed up last week’s win at Arsenal with a rather more subdued draw at home to Bolton.

They also had to come from behind after Johan Elmander lashed home a first-half strike, but after James Morrison’s equaliser the Baggies could have easily snatched all three points.

The final match of the weekend saw Stoke City climb into the top half of the table for the first time this season thanks to a hard-fought triumph over Sam Allardyce’s Blackburn.

Jon Walters scored the only goal of the game against the club where he started his career, tucking home from a Matty Etherington through-ball to add to his Carling Cup strike against Shrewsbury in August.

Team of the week (4-3-2-1):

Gilks (Blackpool); Baird (Fulham), Bramble (Sunderland), Jagielka (Everton), Crainey (Blackpool); Mulumbu (West Brom), Reo-Coker (Aston Villa), Essien (Chelsea); van der Vaart (Tottenham), Etherington (Stoke); Elmander (Bolton)