How El Diego saved West Ham

At 6.30pm on Sunday January 12, 2014, a repeat of Mrs Brown’s Boys was interrupted to the delight of millions. The BBC cut to East London where David Sullivan was sat behind a desk, his face hanging solemnly like a novelty Ray Winstone nodding dog.

Speculation immediately began to gather on social media. It had been rumoured that defeat at Cardiff was the last straw for West Ham manager Sam Allardyce, and that he had merged with his clothes, shoes and dinner to form one glutinous, sausagey mess. Club spokeschild Jack Sullivan promised “Big news. No, really big, none of that Roger Johnson bollocks”. The nation waited with baited breath.

The co-owner of the club gauged the prevailing atmosphere, discarded a notepad full of inappropriate and probably racist ‘mood-lightening’ jokes, and cut to the chase. Gone was the world’s 13^th-best paid manager (yeah, seriously) and replacing him was none other than Diego Maradona.

“Diego was the obvious choice,” Sullivan Sr. lied. “Everyone in the country already hates us, especially after Karren Brady got given a CBE. I mean what the shit was that about.”

“I’m standing right here,” Brady interrupted.

“Fuck you, I stand by it,” Sullivan continued. “So anyway, we’re in the rare situation where we can test out whether two wrongs actually make a right.”

Stunned into near-silence, the press turned their attentions to El Diego. Why had he chosen this job above any others? Speaking through an interpreter who looked suspiciously like Mauricio Pochettino, the new manager spoke of West Ham’s strong tradition of Argentines.

“Carlos Tevez is still well respected here,” began the interpreter, “and Javier Mascherano was an able backup to world-class midfielders like Hayden Mullins and Nigel Reo-Coker. Then there was Lionel Scaloni, erm, Mauricio Taricco…psst, help me out here guys…was Walter Lopez Argentinean or Uruguayan? How about Pablo Barrera? Mexican? Really? Actually that explains a lot…”

Having successfully bored the watching public into not caring about what he had to say, Maradona set about his task, bringing in Diego Milito on loan until the end of the season. Also, in a controversial move, he swapped Kevin Nolan for an ocelot and 30 copies of Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge. Fans rejoiced at the news.

The impact was immediate. Enjoying the famed new manager bounce, the Irons beat Newcastle 3-2 in Maradona’s first name in charge. Visiting manager Alan Pardew was furious, claiming a “Premier League conspiracy” and bringing up the previous season’s defeat to Paolo di Canio’s Sunderland.

“It’s unfair that we have to play these teams before the players realise how much of an assclown the manager is,” Pardew complained. Though he said “arseclown” rather than “assclown”, which doesn’t work quite as well.

After a 9-2 aggregate defeat to ManchesterCity, more signings arrived. Goalkeeper Roberto Abbondanzieri was coaxed out of retirement to replace Jussi Jääskeläinen, with the manager under the mistaken impression that you had to “replace all the letters, like in Scrabble”.

The strikeforce was bolstered further with the arrival of Garry O’Connor and Adrian Mutu, while former West Ham winger Shaun Newton also returned to the club. The manager spoke particularly highly of Newton’s “supply line”, before giggling to himself and scratching his nose.

Another player to make his return to Upton Park was Rio Ferdinand, though only on loan as the coaching staff admitted to not being sure about him.

Results from then on in were mixed. Milito ruptured his Achilles tendon scoring a late winner against Swansea, but an improvised centre-back pairing of Roger Johnson and a fit-again Andy Carroll (“he’s good in the air”, Maradona insisted) saw the club enter May just outside the relegation places, only for disaster to strike ahead of the penultimate fixture against Spurs.

Concerned about the North London club’s late-season form, David Sullivan looked to poison the opposition’s pre-match lasagne on the basis that no one would be stupid enough to suspect West Ham of doing the same thing twice. Jääskeläinen, by now sleeping rough on the streets of Newham, was promised a new contract if he injected the Spurs’ hotel’s supply of parmesan cheese with ricin, however he didn’t count on one thing – Tim Sherwood’s aversion to any cheese other than mild cheddar.

Sherwood denied his team a hot meal, insisting they prepare for the game with wine gums and pre-sliced ham straight from the packet, but that was still enough to help them see off a West Ham team who had been out on the piss the night before on the assumption that they just needed to turn up.

That meant a point was needed away at Manchester City in the final game, and with minutes left it looked like that was beyond Maradona’s side, with thunderbolt from the recalled Scott Sinclair sealing the title and wrapping up the winger’s place in the England squad for the World Cup.

However with the clock ticking down, Carroll headed clear a City corner and Newton gathered the loose ball. He sped down the line (geddit) and drove a high cross (ok I’ll stop now) into the box. It went over the head of Mutu but at the back post the ocelot was waiting to leap like, well, an ocelot I guess, and head the ball into the back of the net.

The crowd went wild, and Maradona sprinted onto the pitch to embrace the goalscorer, receiving a near-fatal mauling in the process.

After the game, Neil Warnock, manager of relegated West Bromwich Albion, called a press conference in which he went off on a tirade about the signing of the final-day goalscorer, pointing to an obscure FA rule which he claimed could be seen to forbid cross-species transfers. However the league ruled in West Ham’s favour and they lived to fight another day.

So that’s the story of how Diego Maradona saved West Ham. For more tales like this, you’re probably best writing one yourself. It’s bound to be quicker than getting me to come up with another one.

33. Can’t Control

25. Diamé

Late bloomer Diamanti has his chance to shine

Alessandro Diamanti converting the winning penalty against England

West Ham United’s 3-0 win over Hull City in February 2010 is not a game which will live long in the memory for those without an attachment to either of the two teams involved. It is probably most notable for a stirring individual performance from Julien Faubert which helped the London club edge clear of their relegation rivals and earn dead man walking Gianfranco Zola a few more months in his job. However there is one facet of that match which has stuck with me to this day.

With the score at 2-0, just minutes after Carlton Cole rolled home an immaculate through-ball from Faubert, West Ham’s Italian forward Alessandro Diamanti won the ball five yards inside his own half, by the left touchline. Then he looked up, saw no viable passing option, and therefore decided to shoot from a good 60+ yards out. The shot had Hull goalkeeper Boaz Myhill scrambling, but he ultimately managed to palm the ball just wide of the far post. The game continued, Faubert added a third goal in injury time, Hull were relegated, West Ham stayed up by one place, and the world kept turning.

That moment of illogic from Diamanti was characteristic of a season in which he provided the Upton Park faithful with a new cult hero. A relative unknown when brought in from Livorno in a move viewed by many as having necessitated the sale of defensive mainstay James Collins (by now the Icelandic money-bubble had well and truly burst and the club was in ‘sell-to-buy’ mode), Diamanti struggled for goals from open play but clearly bought into the forward-looking if sometimes naïve approach of the club’s Italian manager. Two years after the departure of Carlos Tevez, West Ham had another maverick in the #32 shirt to call their own.

It helped that his enthusiasm and commitment was followed by the kind of moments even the armchair fan could draw upon when asked about the man from Tuscany. The late penalty to earn a point against Arsenal, the strike against the same opposition in the FA Cup which evoked fellow countryman Paolo di Canio’s beating of the offside trap at Old Trafford nine years prior, and of course the inch-perfect free-kick on a cold Wednesday night to beat Birmingham’s Joe Hart and breathe new life into a season that looked certain to end in relegation.

 

Diamanti finished the season with eight goals, seven in the league, and was named runner-up in the club’s Hammer of the Year award behind Scott Parker. However just months later, as he stood waiting to come on against Aston Villa on the opening day of the 2010-11 season, he was barely recognisable. Gone was the unique haircut – a kind of mortar-board/dreadlock hybrid – and the shaven-headed figure on the touchline just seemed to carry himself differently. It was far from clear what had caused the change, but those who saw him step onto the Villa Park pitch that day knew they were looking that a lost man, looking for an exit.

Gianluca Nani, the technical director who brought him to the club, had been forced out in February by new owners David Gold and David Sullivan, and in retrospect Diamanti’s exit carried an air of inevitability about it. A number of other Nani signings, both good (Valon Behrami) and bad (Savio), have also since been disposed of, with Diamanti being joined at his next destination – Brescia – by promising full-back Fabio Daprela.

However while Daprela remained with the club as they dropped back into Serie B, Diamanti moved to Bologna and an impressive maiden campaign with the club earned the 29-year old a shot at a competitive debut for his country after he was a shock inclusion in Cesare Prandelli’s Euro 2012 squad.

His surprise pick evoked memories of Cristiano Doni’s call-up to the 2002 World Cup Squad. A similarly late bloomer, Doni was also in his late 20s when handed an international debut and like Diamanti had shone for a relatively unglamorous side, in his case Atalanta.

 

After failing to feature in the games against Spain and Croatia, Diamanti was given his bow as a substitute against Ireland, and in an instant recalled everything which had endeared him to the claret and blue masses of E13. Displaying urgency and drive to carry his team forward in search of the goals needed to give the Azzurri breathing space in their quest to escape Group C, he was not afraid to mix in the outrageous as shown by the optimistic volley on the run which even the likes of Zlatan Ibrahimovic would dismiss as over-ambitious.

And then there was the dead-ball form, the one constant amid the highs and lows of Diamanti’s time in East London. First the corner from which Mario Balotelli netted his first of the tournament, and then the cool-headed conversion of the winning penalty to knock out England at the quarter final stage and show up the BBC commentators who dismissed him as a ‘West Ham reject’.

Diamanti has no guarantee of a starting place in tonight’s final against Spain, but he appears to have earned the trust of Prandelli, becoming the coach’s port-of-call when Antonio Cassano’s waning fitness necessitates a change. The Spanish have dealt by-and-large with everything thrown at them so far, with the invention of the Italians the only real exception, and a touch of the unorthodox could be just what is needed to end the world champions’ phenomenal run. Three years on from coming off the bench to replace Junior Stanislas at Wigan’s DW Stadium, Alessandro Diamanti is potentially 90 minutes away from European glory, and he has done it his own way.

Exodus

The Mighty SuGo

If you had just saved us from the Icelanders, and not undermined the manager, that would have been enough.

If you had just undermined the manager, and not signed two overweight strikers, that would have been enough.

If you had just signed two overweight strikers, and not sacked our director of football, that would have been enough.

If you had just sacked our director of football, and not bitched to the media every week, that would have been enough.

If you had just bitched to the media every week, and not appointed Avram Grant as manager, that would have been enough.

If you had just appointed Avram Grant as manager, and not made false claims about £13m bids for Rémy and Gameiro, that would have been enough.

If you had just made false claims about £13m bids for Rémy and Gameiro, and not spent our budget on Reid and Barrera, that would have been enough.

If you had just spent our budget on Reid and Barrera, and not sold off all but one Gianluca Nani signing on the cheap, that would have been enough.

If you had just sold off all but one Gianluca Nani signing on the cheap, and not botched the Martin O’Neill deal, that would have been enough.

If you had just botched the Martin O’Neill deal, and not led us to relegation, that would have been enough.

—

But you did undermine the manager, and you did sign two overweight strikers, and you did sack the director of football, and you did bitch to the media, and you did appoint Avram Grant, and you did make false claims about £13m bids, and you did spend our budget on Reid and Barrera, and you did sell all but one Gianluca Nani signing, and you did botch the Martin O’Neill deal, and you did lead us to relegation.

And for what? A mountain of debt and a white elephant of a stadium. Bravo.

Alternative Premier League Team of the Year

Taking a leaf out of Michael Cox’s book, I thought I would set myself a little challenge on my return to blogging.

Rather than picking a standard Premier League team of the year, I have attempted to find the best starting XI (plus seven substitutes) using no more than one player from any Premier League team.

Some might say this is a tougher task than in most years, considering the paucity of the entire bottom half of the table for much of the campaign, but you can judge that for yourself on the basis of the side I have picked.

Please use the comments section to lay into my choices and suggest a team of your own.

Goalkeeper: Ben Foster (Birmingham City)

This season was never going to be easy for Birmingham. Alex McLeish’s team had the task of building on a return to the Premier League which – while ultimately impressive – was built on a great number of narrow victories. On top of that, many members of last season’s squad (Carr, Bowyer and Phillips to name but three) were coming towards the end of their careers, while star performer Joe Hart had returned to Manchester City. But Foster, a £4million-plus signing from Manchester United, has done everything expected of him and more, with a match-winning performance against Chelsea one of the highlights of a season which has brought Birmingham likely survival and a trophy to boot.

Right-back: Danny Simpson (Newcastle United)

In their first five games of the season, Newcastle deployed £1million signing James Perch at right-back. The former Nottingham Forest man was so far from the required standard it was laughable: he picked up five yellow cards in as many games, scored an own goal against Stoke on his return from suspension, and even looked a liability in his side’s 6-0 win over Aston Villa. Thankfully for then-manager Chris Hughton and his successor Alan Pardew, former Manchester United man Simpson proved a more-than-able replacement. After returning from an ankle operation in October he has never looked back, making the position his own with a series of marauding runs and strong defensive work, helping his team guarantee another season of top-flight football with relative ease.

 

Left-back: Leighton Baines (Everton)

On February 19 at around 3:00pm, Everton were in a spot of bother. A 2-0 defeat at Bolton had left them just three points of the drop in the league, and an extra-time goal from Frank Lampard had them on the verge of elimination from the FA Cup. Then they were awarded a last-minute free-kick on the edge of the box – Leighton Baines stepped up, found the top corner, and an Ashley Cole miss helped David Moyes’ side advance on penalties. They may have later been eliminated from the cup by Reading, but that victory at Stamford Bridge gave Everton the momentum to push on, with Baines an integral part of their rise up the table. The England international shook off the disappointment of missing out on the World Cup squad, contributing six goals, 12 assists, and a constant threat from left-back.

 

Centre-back: Nemanja Vidic (Manchester United)

It was not that long ago that Manchester United were still unbeaten in the league, despite a run of form which could at best be described as patchy. The ability to grind out results was thanks in no small part to a mean back line, and central to the concession of a mere 32 goals has been the form of Vidic, the one constant in an ever-changing defence. The Serbian has missed only two league games, yet has been paired with a whole host of centre-back partners, including Rio Ferdinand, Wes Brown, John O’Shea, Jonny Evans, Chris Smalling, and even Michael Carrick. Winning the league without performing well is one thing, but keeping one’s head amidst chaos and disorder at the back is another altogether.

Centre-back: Branislav Ivanovic (Chelsea)

Vidic is joined in the middle by another Serb and another player forced to content with a multitude of centre-back partners. A member of the official team of 2009/10 at right-back, Ivanovic has been forced inside by a combination of the return of regular incumbent Bosingwa and injuries to the likes of John Terry and Alex. The 27-year-old has proved equally adept in both positions, retaining the professionalism which has endeared him to the Stamford Bridge faithful but also providing an attacking threat, mostly from set pieces (five goals is a record haul for the defender) but also with the odd marauding run from the back. Imagine how much worse Chelsea’s mid-season slump might have been without his influence.

 

 Defensive midfield: Scott Parker (West Ham United)

If West Ham stay up this season (and it is a big if), it will be in no small part due to the contribution of the man who is their captain in all but name. Lesser players would have baulked at the challenge of dragging a largely abysmal team out of the mire, particularly when displays of a similar standard last season merited nothing more than 17^th place and a painful lack of international recognition. Cynics would say that recognition only truly came when he put in a match-winning performance against one of the ‘big boys’ (in a 3-1 win over Liverpool) but in truth Parker has shone all season. A record total of seven goals (as many as he scored for Chelsea and Newcastle combined) only tells part of the story: when Parker plays, West Ham have a chance; when he doesn’t, they are lost. A Football Writers’ Player of the Year Award is the least he deserves.

 

Defensive midfield: Lucas (Liverpool)

While team mate Raul Meireles has taken many of the plaudits (and a deserved Fans’ Player of the Year Award), Brazilian midfielder Lucas has been diligent, hard-working, and a vital cog as Liverpool have made the most of a worrying start to the campaign. It is strange to think that the man from Grêmio is just 24 years old, considering that this year saw him surpass the 100-appearance mark for his club, and after taking a bit of time to adjust to the rigours of the Premier League he has truly come of age when the pressure has been at its highest. What’s more, Lucas has been forced to do the work of two men, neither of them him: the departure of Javier Mascherano in August left a huge hole, which then-manager Roy Hodgson mistakenly believed Christian Poulsen capable of filling. But while the Dane has failed abysmally, Lucas has stepped up to the plate with class, skill, and a real connection to the club.

 

 Attacking midfield: Samir Nasri (Arsenal)

Injuries may have taken his toll since Christmas, and he may have gone off the boil a bit, but in the first half of the season Samir Nasri was entirely unplayable. The skill we saw in patches last season, most notably with his Goal of the Year nominee against Porto, was suddenly visible on a more regular basis and Arsenal reaped the rewards. While continuing to create chances for team-mates, the French international has also been far more productive in front of goal, more than doubling his previous best with a month of the season to spare. Perhaps spurred on by missing out on the World Cup last summer, Nasri has also not been subject to the criticism and alienation which greeted many of his international team-mates.

Attacking midfield: Luka Modric (Tottenham)

Gareth Bale may have been named PFA Player of the Year, but ask any Tottenham fan and they will tell you the Welshman was not even the best player at White Hart Lane this season. Sure, Bale starred in the Champions League group stage, and Rafael van der Vaart similarly impressed in the early part of the season, but Luka Modric has been consistently brilliant throughout. The Croatia star has flown under the radar at times, but only because we have come to expect the nimble-footedness and unbelievable close-control which has characterised his game since a £16.5m move from Dinamo Zagreb in 2008. That fee is looking more and more like a bargain every day, as Modric continues to embody the attacking flair which has won Spurs so many new admirers from across England and Europe this season.

 

 Attacking midfield: Charlie Adam (Blackpool)

If Scott Parker’s contribution to West Ham has been crucial, then I am lost for words when trying to describe how vital Blackpool captain Charlie Adam has been to what could yet end up the Tangerines’ maiden Premier League campaign. Many questioned what impact the former Rangers man would have, given his obvious lack of pace, but he has more than made up for that with his ability on the ball, helping bring team-mates into the game at every opportunity and making the 2010-11 season an enjoyable one in the most part for fans of Ian Holloway’s club. There are obvious parallels with Geovanni’s debut season with Hull City two years ago, not least due to the Scotsman’s dead-ball prowess, and if his team can stay the distance then the Bloomfield Road faithful will know who to thank for their survival.

 

Striker: Carlos Tevez (Manchester City)

Emmanuel Adebayor had a limited impact before his departure to Real Madrid, Edin Dzeko has struggled to find his feet since replacing the Togolese international, and Mario Balotelli has been in equal parts sublime and ridiculous. But amidst all that chaos, Carlos Tevez has once again been magnificent. Injuries have somewhat restricted the Argentine’s impact, but he has still managed better than a goal every other game, providing the one element of consistency in a Manchester City frontline affected by Roberto Mancini’s Ranieri-esque tinkering. The captain’s armband has seemed to invigorate Tevez, and – while his best performance arguably came back in August against Liverpool, he has continued to let his form on the pitch override any off-field rumours, however strong.

 

Substitutes:

Simon Mignolet (Sunderland) A shrewd signing from Steve Bruce, the Belgian has outshone Craig Gordon in the fight for the goalkeeper’s jersey at the Stadium of Light.

Carlos Salcido (Fulham) The former PSV man has more than made up for the departure of Paul Konchesky at left-back, settling in at Craven Cottage immediately.

Christopher Samba (Blackburn Rovers) A rock at the back as always, Blackburn would be lost without the Congolese international .

Stilyan Petrov (Aston Villa) Providing some much-needed steel once he returned to the fray around the turn of the year, Villa’s captain has eventually helped them pull away from the relegation zone.

Stuart Holden (Bolton Wanderers) One of the stars of the campaign until suffering a horrific broken leg for the second season running, Holden’s absence has coincided with Bolton’s downturn in form.

Matthew Etherington (Stoke City) For all their physical strength and aerial prowess, Stoke have needed someone to provide a spark. Etherington has consistently been that man.

Peter Odemwingie (West Bromwich Albion) 12 league goals and counting have endeared the Russo-Nigerian striker to the Hawthorns faithful, and the scary thing is that Odemwingie is still improving.

Premier League Round-Up 16/01/11

There were many sub-plots running through this weekend’s full programme of Premier League fixtures, but for many the biggest story was the Manchester City debut of £27m man Edin Dzeko.

The Bosnian enjoyed an accomplished introduction to English football, made even more impressive by the fact that he hadn’t played in a month, but his appearance in a nervy 4-3 win over Wolves was overshadowed by a splendid individual goal from Carlos Tevez.

City’s visitors also played their part in one of the games of the weekend, and it could have been a different story if Matt Jarvis’ first-half shot had evaded the block of Aleksandr Kolarov and put Wolves 2-0 in front.

The only other top-six side in action on Saturday was Arsenal, who took advantage of a comically-bad West Ham debut from Wayne Bridge to cruise to a 3-0 victory.

Bridge was at fault for all three goals, two of which came from the boot of Robin van Persie, in what could yet prove Hammers boss Avram Grant’s last game in charge.

In a battle between two newly-promoted teams, West Brom edged past Blackpool to end a losing run which had threatened to drag them into the relegation zone.

Peter Odemwingie fired home the winner after getting the better of Craig Cathcart, and the Nigerian striker looks to have put his recent poor form behind him.

That victory lifted Albion above fellow-strugglers Fulham, who themselves had a previously-misfiring striker to thank for earning them a point at Wigan.

Andrew Johnson had not scored in the league since March 2009, and both he and manager Mark Hughes will hope yesterday’s late equaliser gives him the confidence to recapture the form which earned him a £10.5m move to Craven Cottage in 2008.

Hughes opposite number Roberto Martinez will also be pleased to see one of his strikers getting on the scoresheet. With Mauro Boselli’s departure on loan to Genoa, Hugo Rodallega will be under even more pressure to fire the Latics to safety.

After that 1-1 draw Wigan have two wins from their last 10 league games, a figure matched by Chelsea after Carlo Ancelotti’s side got the better of Blackburn at Stamford Bridge.

Branislav Ivanovic and Nicolas Anelka were on target, but just as important is the clean sheet, Chelsea’s first in three top-flight outings since the turn of the year.

Blackburn boss Steve Kean will have been disappointed at his side’s inability to build on an impressive win over Liverpool last time out, but they are unlikely to be looking over their shoulders too much during the remainder of the campaign.

The sixth game on Saturday saw Stoke City beat Bolton to move level with their opponents on 30 points. Matthew Etherington and Danny Higginbotham scored the goals, demonstrating that what the hosts lack in flair they make up for in long names.

After a flying start to the season, Bolton have now moved back into the mid-table pack thanks to a run of four points from their last six games.

Sunday’s four matches were optimistically billed as ‘super’ before kickoff, but there was far more grit than skill for the most part as they all ended level.

The best of Sunday’s action came at Anfield, where Kenny Dalglish had Dirk Kuyt to thank for avoiding the ignominy of three successive defeats since returning to the Liverpool hotseat.

Raul Meireles first strike for his new club gave the hosts a half-time lead, but Sylvain Distin and Jermaine Beckford looked like inflicting another body-blow on an already-painful season before Kuyt’s penalty – awarded for a foul by Tim Howard on Maxi Rodriguez – restored parity.

Despite surrendering top spot to Manchester City on Saturday, Manchester United returned to the top after an underwhelming goalless draw against Tottenham.

A harsh second-half red card for Rafael killed what spark was left in the game, as two teams afraid to lose ended up cancelling each other out.

Lunchtime kickoffs all-too-often take the sting out of local derbies, but at least Sunderland and Newcastle displayed some passion and commitment at the Stadium of Light.

The visitors squandered early chances but it still looked like Kevin Nolan’s second-half strike would secure a famous double over the Toon Army’s local rivals. However Asamoah Gyan had the last word, the £13m man drawing the teams level as the clock ticked down.

In the other midday kickoff, Birmingham and Aston Villa also drew 1-1. Again both goals came in the second period, with James Collins cancelling out Roger Johnson’s opener.

With strikers from both teams struggling for goals this season, it was perhaps no surprise that the two scorers were centre-backs, and Alex McLeish and Gerard Houllier may well invest in a new frontman before the transfer window closes.

Team of the week (4-3-1-2): Al-Habsi (Wigan); Ivanovic (Chelsea), Vidic (Man Utd), Coloccini (Newcastle), Kolarov (Man City); Mulumbu (West Brom), Ramires (Chelsea), Etuhu (Fulham); Tuncay (Stoke); van Persie (Arsenal), Tevez (Man City)

Premier League Round-Up 14/12/10

Manchester United opened up an ominous-looking three-point gap at the top of the table, after they beat Arsenal and Chelsea could only draw at Tottenham.

Sir Alex Ferguson’s side could develop a real gap between themselves and the chasing pack with victory at Stamford Bridge next week, and have a game in hand against Blackpool to boot.

Park Ji-Sung’s first-half header was enough to see off the challenge of Arsenal, who failed to hit their stride on a pitch described by Arsene Wenger as ‘very poor.’

Meanwhile, at White Hart Lane it looked as though hosts Spurs would be made to pay for their profligacy in front of goal as Didier Drogba’s shot beat Heurelho Gomes and the Brazilian keeper then felled Ramires in stoppage time to give away a penalty.

But Gomes made his name stopping spot-kicks, as Lyon found out to their chagrin in the 2005 Champions League, and he stopped Drogba’s effort to keep Tottenham in touch with the top four.

The fixture list provided a great opportunity for Manchester City to put themselves forward as genuine title contenders, and with their rivals facing off against each other Roberto Mancini’s side ended the weekend in third place.

Their lofty position comes courtesy of a comfortable 3-1 win at West Ham, with Yaya Toure continuing to slowly prove his worth in the North-West.

West Ham, meanwhile, remain bottom after that defeat and manager Avram Grant must surely feel his time is nearly up.

If the Hammers are to replace Grant, one man who might come in is Sam Allardyce. The Blackburn manager was the latest victim of a shock sacking as the club’s Indian owners felt defeat against 10-man Bolton was one loss too many.

Owen Coyle’s Trotters continue to hold their own in the top six, with the team making light of Mark Davies’ dismissal to see off their opponents 2-1.

Fabrice Muamba and Stuart Holden scored the goals, either side of a Mame Biram Diouf effort, to leave Coyle’s side five points and seven places ahead of their managerless victims.

Speaking of managerial changes, this week’s incumbent of the St James’ Park hot seat – Alan Pardew – earned himself a stay of execution (only joking) with victory over Liverpool in his first game as Newcastle manager.

Joey Barton almost managed not to rise to fairly blatant Liverpool attempts to wind him up, and actually let his football do the talking, while Andy Carroll’s clinching goal in the 3-1 win will be the kind of thing he falls back on in a few years when his career inevitably goes the way of former North-East darling Michael Bridges.

Another boss who remains under pressure – if reports are to be believed – is Aston Villa’s Gerard Houllier, and that will make his side’s victory over West Brom on Saturday all the more important.

The 2-1 triumph came courtesy of goals from Stewart Downing and Emile Heskey, while Paul Scharner’s consolation did little apart from costing me a handful of fantasy league points.

Albion’s Black Country rivals Wolves secured a priceless victory in the second Midlands derby of the weekend, with Stephen Hunt’s second goal in black and gold (the black and gold of Wolves, that is, rather than the black and gold of previous club Hull) enough to see off a painfully disappointing Birmingham outfit.

The only other goal of the weekend came at the Britannia Stadium, where Blackpool continued to confound their doubters with victory over Stoke.

DJ Campbell was the hero for Ian Holloway’s Seasiders, as he has been many times in the past, although the visitors had the woodwork to thank for keeping out Stoke on multiple occasions.

Few could have predicted ‘Pool sitting four points ahead of Everton at this stage in the campaign, but that is exactly where they are after the Toffees failed to break the deadlock at home to Wigan.

David Moyes side missed the creative energy of Mikel Arteta, and fans will hope American international Landon Donovan returns in January for a second loan spell after impressing last season.

The final game of the week was played at Craven Cottage, and involved Fulham and Sunderland.

That’s about as much as I can tell you: I was at the game, and nothing actually happened over the course of the 90 minutes. The ‘highlight’ (if it can be called that) was Ahmed Elmohamady curling into a foetal position after a football-in-the-groin moment which puts Hans Moleman to shame.

Team of the week (4-2-3-1) Foster (Birmingham); Ricketts (Bolton), Vidic (Man Utd), Cuellar (Aston Villa), Ward (Wolves); Yaya Toure (Man City), Barton (Newcastle); Ashley Young (Aston Villa), Vaughan (Blackpool), Holden (Bolton); Campbell (Blackpool)

Bobby vs the Bookies

In his first guest post for Pele Confidential, Bobby Hare makes his predictions for a selection of the weekend’s Premier League games.

Payday’s a couple of weeks away, I’m precariously close to the wrong end of my overdraft and Christmas presents for the family aren’t going to buy themselves.

Nonetheless, there’s a cracking weekend of Premier League football to come so it’s time to get down the bookies (or onto their websites). Feast your eyes on my tips and you’ll be quids in. Hopefully.

Aston Villa vs West Bromwich Albion

As soon as Martin O’Neill decided to leave Villa in the lurch just five days before the start of the new season, it was always likely that they were going to have a season of transition.

Whilst a lowly position of 16th looks precarious, any judgement of Gerard Houllier’s team needs to be placed into context.

The tightness of the Premier League means that whilst the pessimist will point out that Villa are only two points from the relegation zone, a (wo)man of a cheerier disposition will retort that they are a mere three points from mid-table security.

Albion have enjoyed a great return to the top league, with Roberto Di Matteo promoting a style of ‘carpet football’ that regularly delights the neutral observer.

In Chris Brunt, Somen Tchoyi and Peter Odemwingie, the Baggies have an attacking triumvirate that are capable of hitting the net and the general (understated) quality of their squad means that they’ll be more than comfortable this season.

That said, their away form is rather hit-and-miss at the moment (only one win in the past five), while Villa have only been beaten once at home in eight outings.

With Ashley Young back in the side, Villa will add some much needed attacking impetus to a line-up that looked severely deficient at the sharp end against Liverpool on Monday.

Emile Heskey is also likely to start, although I am still undecided as to whether this will be to Villa’s detriment or not.

Considering Villa’s poor form, 11/10 for them to win is a little skinny for my liking, but given both sides’ propensity to ship goals, betting on over three goals at 2/1 is money in the bank.

Everton vs Wigan Athletic

Casting a quick glance over the fixture list tells me that there aren’t many bankers in the Premier League over the coming days, but Everton’s weekend assignment against Wigan is probably as
straightforward a task as any side will have.

David Moyes’ boys have struggled thus far, but it should come as no surprise whatsoever. There are seemingly three certainties in life: taxes, death and Everton having half a season of hibernation before they start bothering.

It’s a mystery as to why the Toffees seem to begin each season in such lacklustre fashion, but if they could replicate their frequent post-Christmas surges in the first half of each campaign, they’d be bona fide Champions League contenders.

Despite indifferent form, they’ll be buoyed by their recent (fully deserved) point at Stamford Bridge and this is probably the point they will start to kick on.

Perhaps not coincidentally, their squad is beginning to assume a more familiar complexion, with a number of injured absentees slowly returning to the fray.

Wigan, meanwhile, are a poor side. They’re frightfully inept in front of goal (only 13 goals in 16 games) and astonishingly accommodative to opposition attackers (28 conceded).

Perhaps more concerning is that Roberto Martinez can’t seem to compute the fact that they’re in dire straits.

Wigan will probably be relegated this season. There won’t be much of a fight. It won’t be very exciting. And once they’re gone, no one will really care.

Tim Cahill is Everton’s top scorer this season with an impressive haul of eight league goals. I’m tempted by him to score first at 9/2 (whilst the more conservative punter might be attracted by Cahill anytime at 6/5). Such will be the Merseysiders’ superiority in this one, I’ll be getting on Everton to win both halves at 2/1.

West Ham United vs Manchester City

If we discount West Ham’s demolition of Man Utd in the Carling Cup (and I really would urge everyone to forget that particular result) then it’s fair to posit that the Hammers are a struggling outfit.

They’ve collected only four points from their last five games and are arguably a long-term Scott Parker injury away from going down, unless some of the supporting cast can come to the fore.

Victor Obinna has played a more influential role in recent weeks, whilst Avram Grant will be hoping he can coax more of the sort of performance that Carlton Cole produced when he terrorised Jonny Evans in the aforementioned cup win.

With Rob Green enjoying a quietly effective season following his tortuous summer with England and Matt Upson slowly edging back to his best form, there is hope for the East Londoners.

Meanwhile Man City are besieged by infighting as Roberto Mancini (the third Roberto mentioned in this column!) apparently struggles to juggle the assortment of egos in the Eastlands dressing room.

If press rumours are to be believed (in this column, for the sake of a more interesting discourse, they will be) Carlos Tevez can’t stand his manager. But far from throwing a strop, the indefatigable Argentinean has channelled his frustrations postively – finding the net 10 times already.

And therein lies City’s problem. Tevez accounts for nearly half of all his side’s goals and he’s suspended on Saturday.

Shorn of their talisman and attacking inspiration, City could struggle to break their opponents down, while West Ham don’t exactly boast a galaxy of attacking riches either.

Something tells me that neither team will have enough firepower to win this one and I’ll be piling on the draw at a shade over twos.

Tottenham Hotspur vs Chelsea

Perhaps it’s the fact that he’s not speaking his native language, meaning he can’t suitably paint a picture of how he truly feels, but Carlo Ancelotti is magnificently understated every time he tells
us: “it’s not a good moment.”

It’d be far more apt to say: “it’s an absolute fucking crisis to be honest.” But Carlo is a nice man, with a superb eyebrow, so I’m prepared to let it slide.

Sometimes teams suffer a loss of form and it’s difficult to pinpoint quite what’s gone wrong. This is not one of those situations.

Roman Abramovich has been a bit of a silly bugger by interfering with a side that started the season as though they were intent on smashing the 100-goal barrier for a second consecutive year.

Meanwhile, Tottenham are chugging along beautifully as the neutrals’ second team, playing a brand of football that relies on a swashbuckling ‘you score three, we’ll score four’ approach.

They also consigned a particularly troubling ghost to its grave when they completed an unlikely comeback over Arsenal at the Emirates last month: They finally beat one of the big boys away from home.

Whilst it can be argued that this was only one isolated victory, it’s still likely that Spurs have smashed a key mental barrier and they’ll feel as though they are now fully paid up members of the league’s ‘Big Four.’

Chelsea are a big-game team, and there is a school of thought that consecutive fixtures against Spurs (away), Man Utd (home) and Arsenal (away) is just what they need to overcome their malaise.

But I play truant from that particular school. Whilst it’s arguable that 8/5 for ‘Chewsea’ is an inviting price, I tend to think it’s a bit skimpy considering they’ve mustered a paltry three goals in their last six league games and collected just five points.

Instead, I’ll be looking at the in-form Gareth Bale (who has goals
against Arsenal, Chelsea and Internazionale against his name this calendar year), playing against one of Chelsea’s rickety right backs, to score anytime at 11/4.

Manchester United vs Arsenal

Arsenal and United are positioned one and two going into this weekend. The former are genuine title contenders once more and for the first time in a while between these two clubs, there appears to be an undercurrent of animosity and needling.

United’s Patrice Evra, the loon of a left back, has fanned the flames by stating that Arsenal are a club in “crisis” having not troubled the trophy engravers for five years, whilst Arsene Wenger’s retort is that his fellow countryman has been disrespectful.

However, shorn of combustible characters like Patrick Vieira, Roy Keane, Ruud van Nistelrooy and Martin Keown, the game itself is likely to go relatively incident free.

On the pitch, United-Arsenal games at Old Trafford have tended to be tight affairs of late. United have won two of the past three games 2-1, with the odd game being drawn 0-0.

Interestingly, in the two United wins, it was Arsenal who took the lead before being pegged back and eventually defeated. And that is pretty much an encapsulation of the current Arsenal crop: they beguile us at the beginning, teasing and tantalising us into thinking they can challenge, before they’re bought crashing down to the
ground by a grittier and more determined outfit.

Irrespective of the fact that both sides have conceded goals with alarming regularity, this game probably won’t be a goalfest. The stakes are far too high for an open exhibition of attacking football to
be displayed.

Given Arsenal’s penchant for a collapse, I’m tempted to have a flutter on Arsenal half-time, Man Utd full-time at a meaty 22-1.

Finally, if you like your doubles, why not get on Man Utd and Tottenham at over 4s?

Good luck and Merry Crimbo!

(All odds are from Bet365.com)

Premier League Round-Up 22/11/10

When summing up this week’s Premier League programme there is only one place to start.

Not that long ago it looked as though Arsenal had banished the fragility which has plagued them in previous seasons, but their capitulation at home to Spurs suggested nothing has really changed.

Credit to Harry Redknapp for inspiring the second-half comeback which earned Spurs a first win at the home of their fiercest rivals in 17 years, but the game was really about Arsenal snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

They should have been home and dry by half-time but – in scenes reminiscent of their visit to Wigan’s DW Stadium last season – once the fightback begun there was no sign of the Gunners arresting their slide towards defeat.

One team without such fragility issues is Bolton, and Owen Coyle’s side continued their march up the table with a crushing 5-1 win over Newcastle.

Neither Johan Elmander nor Kevin Davies has been particularly prolific while ploughing a lone furrow at the Reebok, yet by bringing the duo together Coyle has formed one of the most dangerous strike partnerships in the league.

Both struck twice on Saturday, with Chung-Yong Lee – one of the most underrated players in the top-flight – getting the other goal for the Trotters. Andy Carroll’s eighth of the season gave the visitors a glimmer of hope but ultimately proved academic.

Just as impressive was Manchester City’s 4-1 win at Fulham. Roberto Mancini’s side have received their fair share of criticism for negative displays but attack was the order of the day, with even the much-maligned Yaya Toure breaking forward to get on the scoresheet.

Mark Hughes’ side, on the other hand, will be nervously looking over their shoulders after the early-season unbeaten run is now starting to look like, well, just loads of draws.

Fulham are now just one place above the relegation zone, thanks in no small part to Birmingham’s surprise win over Chelsea.

While Lee Bowyer scored the goal, taking advantage of a centre-back in Alex whose pain-killing injection seemingly had side-effects of drowsiness, the star of the show was Ben Foster.

After his unconvincing display for England on Wednesday, Foster proved he is still a viable contender for the national side by keeping out everything Chelsea threw at him and earning his sixth clean sheet of the campaign.

As Birmingham are on the up, their west midlands neighbours are all heading in the opposite direction after defeats this weekend.

Aston Villa, missing several key players, were nonetheless outclassed by a Blackburn side comfortable from the moment Morten Gamst Pedersen put them into a first-half lead on Sunday.

The spirit remained from last week’s draw against Manchester United, but Gerard Houllier’s side lacked a cutting edge in the absence of Marc Albrighton.

That result leaves Villa a point ahead of West Brom, who are in freefall with one point from four games.

Stoke were the beneficiaries of some generous defending this time around, Jon Walters adding to Matty Etherington’s penalty with a second-half brace in the Potters’ biggest away win since their return to the Premier League.

But the situation remains far from desperate for the Baggies, which is more than can be said for local rivals Wolves.

A fourth successive defeat leaves them on a paltry nine points, although any side would have been hard-pressed to respond to the opening goal from Blackpool’s Luke Varney.

Varney’s effort, a volley from way out which arced over a helpless Marcus Hahnemann, conjured up memories of Hugo Rodallega’s goal of the season contender last year.

On the subject of Rodallega, the Colombian striker did not enjoy quite as fruitful an afternoon at Old Trafford on Saturday.

A two-footed lunge saw him sent off, after team-mate Antolin Alcaraz had seen red just minutes earlier, and Manchester United’s margin of victory could have been far greater than 2-0.

Defeat for Wigan saw them slip into the bottom three, where they have Wolves and West Ham for company.

Saturday’s defeat at Anfield was comfortably the Hammers’ worst performance of the season, which is really saying something given their record of seven defeats and just one win in their opening 14 games.

Liverpool barely needed to break a sweat, racing into a three-goal lead before half-time, and one gets the feeling they could have not turned up for the second half and still scored a couple more without reply, had they so wished.

Monday night’s game was one of the most exciting since Richard Keys returned to out screens on a weeknight, Everton and Sunderland sharing the spoils in a pulsating 2-2 draw.

Danny Welbeck made up for the absence of Asamoah Gyan by scoring both goals for the Black Cats, sandwiched between efforts from Tim Cahill and Mikel Arteta.

But both sides missed golden chances to win the game in stoppage time: first Welbeck snatched at his shot when well-placed, then Everton substitute Jermaine Beckford prodded wastefully over after being put clean through on goal.

Team of the week (4-4-2): Foster (Birmingham); Eardley (Blackpool), Gallas (Tottenham), Johnson (Birmingham), Evra (Man Utd); Holden (Bolton), Meireles (Liverpool), Pedersen (Blackburn), Silva (Man City); Tevez (Man City), Elmander (Bolton)