Lights, Kamara, Action: If the FA listened to Hollywood

Sorry Diomansy, you don’t feature in the article. I’m only using you for what is at best an average pun

[warning: this article contains spoilers]

This week, in an unprecedented (not to mention ridiculous) move, UEFA decided to hand Shakhtar Donetsk forward Luiz Adriano a one-match ban for scoring a goal. But that’s not even the best bit!

The Brazilian is also required to partake in a day of “community football service”, which presumably equates to the punishment meted out to those two happy-go-lucky criminals at the end of Purely Belter.

For those of you unfamiliar with the finest football-themed film this side of Shaolin Soccer, it consists of making tea for an elderly lady whose apartment overlooks Newcastle United’s St James Park stadium. Not bad, you might think, until you realise that leaves you powerless to cover your eyes when Clarence Acuña and Daniel Cordone are on the pitch, for fear of spilling scalding hot liquid down your newly-pressed jumpsuit.

Anyway, this got me thinking. Why should we restrict these punishments to players whose team already turns out in Guantanamo orange, as if to pigeonhole them even further? Why not extend the appropriate (or not) sanctions to others? With that in mind, here are a few more ideas which cinema has thrown my way.

1.       After shooting a work experience kid with an air-gun, Ashley Cole should have been required to conduct a real-life re-enactment of the City of God scene where Lil Zé decides which one of two youths to shoot. You know, in an ironic, putting your kid off smoking by forcing him to work his way through a whole pack of cigarettes kind of way.

2.       As punishment for what is known in the FIFA rulebook as “not shutting the fuck up”, Jamie Carragher should be ordered to cut his own tongue in half with a pair of scissors, like in Oldboy.

3.       During his spell at West Ham, Benni McCarthy ought to have been served the chocolate cake presented to Bruce Bogtrotter in Matilda, to see how hungry he really was.

4.       Following years of gruesome fouls, a 60-year-old Roy Keane should be sent back in time 30 years to have his legs broken by his younger self, as in Looper.

5.       After his selfish move to the middle-east, Asamoah Gyan will be forced to make an Argo-style sci-fi movie with Stefan Effenberg, Fabio Cannavaro, Mark Bresciano and Ben Affleck.

6.       El-Hadji Diouf must come face-to-face with the “cocknocker” from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, as punishment for being an utter penis.

Any more suggestions? Leave them below the line, get in touch on Twitter (@tomvictor) or shout them at passing strangers on the street.


1 Comment

  1. Haha, love the one about Diouf in particular…so true.

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